New Communication

We are using language to communicate with each other, either verbally, written or via body language. We certainly are not good in sharing our emotions and feelings. We are not good in sharing our real intentions.
We use language to comply with cultures, to hide what we really think. Language is a mask that we use to fit in.
Usually there is a difference between what we say and what we do. E.g. people say they are not attached to anything, but panic when they are supposed to give their watch or smartphone to the person sitting next to them.
That is one of the reasons that we have so many meetings. We talk a lot, but we still don’t understand each other.
In business, politics and other areas it is common practice to not mention irrationalities, insecurities and other emotions. We pretend that we are totally rational, while the opposite is true. We are irrational beings.
The main communication model should include the sharing of psycho-logic as well as logic language.
Rory Sutherland says: “We think we are rational creatures. Economics and business rely on the assumption that we make logical decisions based on evidence. But we aren’t, and we don’t. In many crucial areas of our lives, reason plays a vanishingly small part. Instead we are driven by unconscious desires, which is why placebos are so powerful. We are drawn to the beautiful, the extravagant and the absurd – from lavish wedding invitations to tiny bottles of the latest fragrance. So, if you want to influence people’s choices you have to bypass reason. The best ideas don’t make rational sense: they make you feel more than they make you think. []
The big problems we face every day, whether as an individual or in society, could very well be solved by letting go of logic and embracing the irrational.”
The Non-Violent Communications model is a very useful starting point.
In any case, we definitely have to make sure that there is space for off-center opinions.
Whenever two people meet, there are really six people present. There is each one as they see themselves, each one as the other person sees them, and each one as they really are. ~ William James
According to Sheila Heen, the Harvard negotiation project (Tim Ferriss podcast #532), there are types of conversations:
  • What happened, what is happening, what should happen – what story do we tell about the facts. Includes what I am right about, whose fault it is, why you are being so difficult
  • Feelings and what do we do with them
  • The identity conversation (e.g. saying no feels in conflict with who you want to be in the world)
The first negotiation is really a negotiation with yourself to move from being focused on what I’m right about and you’re wrong about to getting curious about why we see this so differently.
Transformation requires a different mode of communication.